the greenest grass around

Let’s talk about grief or loss.

Grief and loss are things we don’t like to discuss, they make us uncomfortable. It’s messy and emotional. But since losing our son this summer, I have realized we need to discuss it.

First, we have to recognize that grief takes many forms and causes. You do not only grieve when someone dies. You grieve the loss of a job, a friendship, or the end of a journey. These forms of grief may not manifest in what we generally think of as grief, but we go through a process of grief for these things. I want to take a look at some of the points in my life when I was grieving and honestly did not realize it until I lost my son.

My first example of when I went through the grieving process as an adult was when I lost my grandmother. She helped raise me and lived with us since I was about 5. We were very close and when I was about 34 she was diagnosed with cancer. She was elderly and cancer took so much away from her. Because of cancer, she ended up with several other health issues and challenges. All of these things took my grandmother away before she physically passed away. The woman who died physically was not the same woman who helped raise me or watched my children or ate Mexican with me at least once a week. Because of her being sick and in such poor health, I was able to grieve for my grandmother before she physically passed away. This does not mean that still do not think of her and miss her but the grieving process was less painful for me because I did have that time to process what was happing or going to happen. There are still times I wish I could call her to chat or that she would remind me to take an umbrella because it might rain. I do wish I asked more questions and listened more closely. This is just one example of how people grieve differently and differently each time we grieve.

My next example of grief is when I finished my doctorate degree. I know, I know, you have got to be kidding me. But no. I had been in school, essentially my entire life and when I finished my dissertation, I truly did not know what to do. This form of grief is different also. I had to say goodbye to a huge part of my life and move to another. But it was not easy. I kept thinking, or I’ll give myself a couple months to relax and I’ll be fine. But I did not realize that it was a grieving process and honestly I was depressed for some time. Looking back, I did not realize I was grieving for this huge part of my life and I think that is why I had such a hard time moving on. In retrospect, if I would have realized this, I could have put some things in place sooner or at least been prepared for these feelings.

Thirdly, I had to go through the grief of losing a friend. Bare in mind, my friend did not pass away but because of choices that were made we are no longer “friends”. Don’t get me wrong, if I see her I hug her neck and we chat for a while but it’s not the same. But it was tough and again, I did not realize that I was grieving this loss until much later. With this grief I was angry and hurt, I was sad and lonely. I went from having a best friend to not having one. I felt like a fourteen-year-old jealous and bitter. I would lash out if someone even asked me about her. But again, because we do not talk about grief, I did not realize what I was going through.

With each situation, I grieved differently. Each person gives differently at different times and for different reasons. With each of these situations, I still struggle. Grief is like a heavy gray cloud, you never know when it will come or how it will hit you. I still miss my grandmother and her sound advice, I have finally moved on from my academic time in my life, I saw my friend the other day and it was still a little awkward. When it comes to grief, give yourself and others grace and patience.

Grief is the price we pay for love.
“Queen Elizabeth II”