the greenest grass around

As someone going through the grieving process, you ask yourself many questions.

Most of these ridiculous questions only pop into your mind to stir up guilt and regret, but they still pop into your mind.

The questions that get me the most are “When” questions. When did I last say “I love you”, “I’m proud of you”, or “I’m so glad you are in my life.”?

When did I last hug you or kiss your cheek? When did I have to make you give me a good night kiss since you were too big for that? When did I last brush your hair or help you with homework? When did you ride to the store with me reluctantly? When did you go to an escape room, the pool, or walk the neighborhood together?

I know I said these things but again, grief has a way of making you question everything you did or said. In the end, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I did say these things and I did do everything in my power to let Jordan know that he was loved. The Devil likes to creep into your mind and whisper things to make you question yourself.

If you question things in your life, whether you have lost a loved one or just have regrets, I hope that you will take the time to reflect. We cannot change the past, do are not Dr. Who, or have a time machine. We do have to accept the past and learn from it.

I do know that as a mother I told my children I loved them all the time but since Jordan passed, I am more intentional about what I say to Jaden. I am more intentional about what I say to the people in my life, my friends, family, and even co-workers.
Do not mistake me, I could do better. But in the end, I just want to be able to know that I did make a conscious effort to let the ones I love know how much they mean to me.

The old quote, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone” is true. You will never realize what someone means to your life until they are not there anymore. Take the time today and let someone know how much they mean to you. Because, unfortunately, we do not know what tomorrow brings.