the greenest grass around

Grief is a funny thing.

All people are different so we all grieve differently. Some people want to be hugged and loved day and night. While others want to shut everyone out and hide in a cabin in the woods. Personally, the cabin in the woods sounds pretty good to me.

We, as a society, do not talk about grief or loss. We are not taught how to grieve or how to process loss. We have done a much better job of identifying and learning about self-care and mental health, even there we still have work to do. We teach children how to be kind, resolve conflict, and respect one another, but we do not talk about how to process loss.

Why would we? Loss is hard, it’s heavy, it’s raw. Those are all things that we as humans are not comfortable with. We don’t know what to do or say. When we see someone we know that is hurting, we don’t want to make it worse by bringing it back up. And people who are grieving don’t want to be the reason people are uncomfortable. It’s defiantly not a win, win situation. It’s more of a lose, lose situation.

I am by no means an expert on grief and this time last year, I would have never dreamed of talking (or writing) about it. But if we don’t talk about it, we will never learn or be able to do better.

Before my son’s death, I hated being in situations where people were grieving. I don’t handle emotions well, mine or anyone else’s. I would have been the person walking the other way if I saw someone out and trying hard to avoid the topic. I never knew what to say. I did not what to ignore the situation but I also would not want to bring it up.

I see that struggle in people now. It’s not easy, none of it is easy. There is no “right” thing to do or to say.

Grief is hard too. One day might be an okay day while the next, I may not be able to get out of bed. You never know what emotions the day will bring. One day I might be smiling but I am still grieving inside. You may see me deep in thought, there is still grief there. If you see me at work, I may be focused and on a roll, but make no mistake, the grief is there under the surface.

Because of these things. several people have asked how I would prefer them checking on us. Do I want to talk or text? Is it okay to ask, “Are you okay?” Again, everyone is different. But at the end of the day, people who are grieving do want a support group. They need you. Wheather they are the hugging type or the ones running to the cabin in the woods. My advice would be to still check on your people who are grieving. Call or text, but let them know you are there when they are ready. If you see them and you are not comfortable asking, “Are you okay?” Say something like, “It’s good to see you today.” or “I hope today has been a good day for you.” This way, you are recognizing the loss but you aren’t throwing the situation around.

The bottom line is, check on them. One way or another, let them know you are there. Let them know they have not been forgotten. We understand that your world has not suddenly stopped but we appreciate you recognizing that our’s has drastically changed.