the greenest grass around

So far, grief is not what I expected. I thought it would be one long, continuous, straight road that led to an ending point. But boy, was I wrong.

Instead, it’s been a jumbled mess. Ups and downs, fast then slow, tears and smiles, highs and lows.
I assumed, wrongfully so, that grief was like an illness. You get sick, take time to heal, and slowly get better. Each day progressed a little more than the last.

Since I am an overachiever, I have always set lofty goals for myself. I “gave” myself six months to grieve. Not that I thought six months would be enough, but that was what I gave myself to grieve without putting additional pressure on myself. I allowed myself to put things off and to really put myself first. Everyone grieves differently. We have all been told this. I grieve drastically differently from my husband. Yet, we are both on a slow road that is leading uphill.

Honestly, I thought I was making progress. Grief stays with you forever but ebbs and flows like the ocean. So please excuse my complete and utter shock and dismay when I begin to have even more anxiety and panic attacks after six months. I went back to my nurse practitioner, bless her, and asked her to run every test she could think of. I had been doing so much better. There had to be some medical reason for this. Well, there wasn’t anything medically wrong. So please insert a sighing emoji with eye rolls.

But this is where God comes in. He’s been here the whole time, but I wasn’t looking for him. Even though that is the first place, I should have looked. I picked up one of the many books I have been gifted since the accident about grief. One of the first things I read talked about our bodies going into “red alert.” The authors stated that this was the way God created our bodies to slow down and pay attention. They listed many symptoms others have suffered while grieving; mine were right there. They continue saying, ” The slowness of our healing is part of God’s plan. Not to hurry back to your normal because normal is gone. Normal has been changed forever. We must take the time to slowly and painstakingly build a new life and a new “normal.” So many tidbits in this book hit home right when I needed them.

God is always working. Just last week, we looked at the verse in Isaiah, “Look, I am doing a new thing!” The new living translation says, “See, I have already begun. I will make a path through the wilderness and create streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19. Look and see how God is always working and making a way for us. Even when we are bound and determined to control the situation.

So, there goes the six months I “gave” myself to grieve before returning to the real world. God knew what I needed before I did. This is a beautiful reminder of how much God loves us. He sees us when we are hurting. He hears us when we can only cry out in tears. He has not forgotten us. He is making a way, he is preparing a path for us. Look to him first in all things. I know it is hard, but I obviously didn’t do it. But I am so thankful for a God who keeps his promises.

If you have walked in grief, I would love to hear about how you coped about six months to a year in. Let me know in the comments.